My not so smooth and short breastfeeding journey

Everyone has been so hyped up about breastfeeding their babies and me as a first time mother was also very excited to join the bandwagon of being a breastfeeding mom. I prepared and bought both a electric breastpump as well as a manual breastpump, breastmilk storage bags, nipple cream, disposable breastpads, breastmilk storage bottles, attended a lesson on breastfeeding and did alot of reading up on how latching should be done, the different positions I can hold my baby while latching, information on how breastmilk should be stored and whatever else I need in preparation for my breastfeeding journey which I was so looking forward to.

BUT......sadly my breastfeeding journey was just not as smooth as I hoped it to be, and in fact I end up having to shorten this sweet yet painful journey.

At the hospital right after I gave birth, we tried latching my baby during our first skin to skin session but she didnt seem hungry and wanted to sleep instead. We tried again later on and she finally manage to latch on successfully for the first time. I was elated to see her suckling away til the pain kicks in. Yes PAIN! Oh my gosh! It was probably one of the worse feeling after going through a very painful labour.

First successful latch!

But I didnt give up immediately. I persisted and endured the pain and tried swapping to my other boob and woah! It still hurts like no tomorrow. No joke! Then after I told the nurses about it and they checked me and baby out while she is latching and nothing seems wrong. She is latching correctly. So latching was not a problem. But our guess is that my baby girl is STRONG! Like her suckling power is just wayyyy too good and my nipple and boobies are just too delicate.

Nonetheless I endured on and latched her for 2 days straight with each session lasting at least an hour. And even after latching for an hour, sadly she was still hungry and crying away despite me being in so much pain. We ended up having to supplement her with formula just so she doesnt go hungry.

By then, my nipples were already soooooo SORE and was already bleeding. Oh My Gosh! Have you ever tried having someone suckling on your open wound!? It was so pain I was tearing up and had to hold the sides of the bed to endure through the extreme pain just so I can feed my baby.

After I discharged from the hospital I decided I had to give my nipples a break to heal plus it just didnt feel right to continue feeding when I was bleeding plus I had some pus coming out. Didnt want to pass on any bacteria to my girl. I had to apply nipple cream and put on breastpads to soak up the pus and blood and change it ever so often cause it was just so painful, uncomfortable and smells really bad. And I needed it to heal quickly! Took me at least 5days before I see improvement and the wound slowly drying up. I tried using my manual pump and electric pump to stimulate and pump out whatever I could just so that my supply dont stop or dry up. The first pump was a little painful and I didnt get much out. Tried the first time and second time and I do see a little milk coming but it was just way too little that I just dump them away in fear that there may be some traces of blood or pus in them. By about 3rd pump, I manage to finally get 10ml of milk from both boobs. Yes thats very little, but I was elated that I can finally see something better than nothing!! I fed it to my girl and of cause supplemented with formula milk. Following day it was slightly better, I manage to get between 20 to 30mls from both boobs! Yay! I was so happy I thought like FINALLY my supply is increasing and I am gonna be seeing more milk as the days goes by.

 My 3rd pump! My first 10ml!

 20ml of milk!

30ml of milk!

BUT.....Nope! I kept getting only 30ml and the supply didnt increase! Sad max!

And so I bought Fenugreek after much reading up, and thats what my postnatal masseur recommended. I also added on with the Milkmaid tea just so I could boost my supply further.

After consumption, Yay my supplied boosted to about close to 50ml from both boobs! I was so happy! But then, my happiness was shorten again. Cause the next day my supply dropped back to 30ml again and was stagnant once again. Sulks!~

Thereafter I bought a bag of lactation cookies from Singapore Lactation Bakes. Honestly I wasnt a huge fan of the cookies as they were not sweet enough for my liking and I didnt quite like the texture but I still ate it anyway in hope it might actually help. But sadly it didnt really work for me. 

I tried relatching my baby as people mentioned that a baby's latch works much better at stimulating supply compared to the breastpump and so I did. And guess what?

The pain and sore came back again! Thats it, No more latching for me and so I decided I was gonna be pumping exclusively.

But honestly the amount I pumped was just insufficient for my very hungry baby and I couldnt meet her demands at all. I was just so down and it makes me wonder if that pathetic amount was even worth my precious time spend pumping.

Gradually I just gave up, my pump frequency decrease and I just rather spend the time watching my baby and catching up on my much needed rest.

Yes some of you may ask why did I give up just like that? In fact I get this question alot by both friends as well as relatives. And it hurts me inside to hear such questions cause they dont know how much I went through, the pain, insufficient sleep, and how many methods I have tried just so that I can be able to even pump that pathetic amount of breastmilk for my baby. Like HELLO? Who doesnt want to be able to breastfeed their little one if they can?!

BUT I have to face it, my body just isnt build to be a milking machine. My boobs just dont supply much milk, and I just had to accept it.

It could be my diet all along that could be the cause. People say that I should eat more fish but I just dont really enjoy eating fish unless its sashimi. Since young I dont eat alot of fish and that could potentially be one of the causes.

Regardless, my breastfeeding officially stopped when my baby was about 2months plus after I was unfortunately down with appendicitis and was warded and had to go through a keyhole surgery to remove my appendix. I was on so much painkillers and antibiotics during that period that I just decided no more breastfeeding for me.

Yes its sad, but I was also happier to get more rest and spend more quality time with my baby rather than spending time pumping that little amount of milk.

Yes I know breastmilk is good for my baby as it provides antibodies for her rather than just drinking formula milk. And I am glad I was able to at least be able to provide her a little of it at least rather than totally not breastfeeding at all. And with that thought alone I feel more at peace with myself.

But really, formula milk is honestly fine as well. It is packed with the required nutrients that she require and she is thankfully growing really well and so I am very happy and feeling blessed! Truly Thank God for that!

And my baby girl is also blessed with more breastmilk supplied from a very nice friend of mine who gave birth to her baby boy 2 months after me. And I am truly grateful for that! Thank you so much Sheryl!

So that pretty much sums up my breastfeeding journey. Not the best journey but still a sweet memory for me. =)

I did not have any issues with engorgement or mastitis which I know many mummies went through. And in a way I am really very thankful cause I heard its wayyyy more painful and the worse is having to go through surgery to get their milk ducts unblocked! Just the thought of it seems scary so I salute breastfeeding mummies who have to got through that.

To all mummies out there, EVERYONE is DIFFERENT! Dont compare with others and make yourself feel bad! Dont feel depress or upset that you are unable to have enough supply of breastmilk for your baby. It is honestly very fine! Many babies including myself are formula fed babies from birth and we all grew up well and healthy. Dont be overly concerned or overly obsessed with having to breastfeed. If you have it, Great! BUT if you dont, thats fine too! Most importantly DONT let your babies go hungry!! If your supply is little, just feed formula! Its definitely better than starving your little one!

I have friends who go into Post Natal Depression partly due to not being able to supply enough breastmilk for her baby and some people around her are just pressuring her and giving her more stress about it. Honestly a stressed up mommy is not gonna be supplying more milk as stress affects the body and the supply. Plus it was bad for her health and it made me worried as PND can be pretty scary! I've heard of some bad cases of PND where mummies committed suicide or even killing their own child because they just couldnt handle it. And I really dont wish for such things to happen to anyone especially people I personally know!

Stay positive, stay happy, take things in its stride. Its not the end of the world to not be able to breastfeed! Remember you have a healthy baby and thats what matters much more than being able to breastfeed or not!

For people who are PRO-breastfeeders, for relatives, or friends of new mummies, PLEASE stop asking or pressuring mummies on why they are not breastfeeding. Its is our choice and it could be personal choices or it could be choices we have to make because of certain unforeseen reasons, and you as an outsider should just respect that. It DOES NOT affect you that we are not breastfeeding. So honestly just keep your opinions to yourselves. We dont need to hear it cause we have other important things to think and worry about with our new baby that we are still learning to take care and handle. So please dont add on to our stress. Thank you very much!